Finding My Voice: The Time I Fell in Love

We’ve all been there, we’ve all had that feeling at least once in our life. Some of us were rewarded, and some were punished for it, unfortunately, I was the latter. But like always I’m getting ahead of myself. Let’s move away from my sophomore year in high school and straight to my junior year.

It was the beginning of the school year and our teacher wanted us to get into groups of three or four people. Honestly, I never did like searching for a group, I always let them come searching for me. Sometimes I’ll get lucky and get a good group, and sometimes I’ll get a group that lacked ambition (putting it in a nice way). But that day, that day I got lucky. As there was this girl who was sitting on the opposite side of me staring at me and smiling away. I looked her way a couple of times but never stared long enough to make it weird.

“Hey you, boy!” she shouted.

I turned my attention to the girl sitting opposite of me and this time I got a good look at her. She had long jet-black hair and caramel smooth skin.

“Are you in a group?” she asked.

I shook my head, no, not knowing how to use my words. I don’t know what I was feeling at the time, but I didn’t want it to go away. The only thing that kept me in check was the thought in my head.

“What was a girl like her talking to a guy like me?” I wondered.

Clearly, she didn’t know about my Labels. But a part of me was glad that she didn’t know about it.

“You can join my group,” she said to me.

Still not using my words I got up and walked across the room and joined her friends that were surrounding her. I never paid much attention to her friends, well except one. Which was her best friend, but she’s not important in this story.

“You got a name, boy?” she questioned.

“Yeah, I do, what kind of question is that?” I asked back.

“Well, you act like you don’t know how to speak. So, I figured you didn’t have a name,” she replied.

I’d let her have that one because at that age I didn’t know what had gotten into me. I didn’t know that I was struck with the love bug and instantly fell for this girl. I wouldn’t know this until a few months later.

“Well, my name is Andre. But my friends call me Dre. What’s yours?” I asked.

She gave me her name, but unfortunately for you guys. You won’t be getting to know that part of her. But we shook hands and started working on the assignment that was given to us. During that time, we hit it off, laughing, playing around, working well together. If I didn’t know any better at the time. People would’ve thought that we were a match made in heaven.

Now, fast forward a few months and I finally got her number and we talked all night during the weekends. And talked all the time at school. But there was a time when she got too ‘comfortable’ with me.  I would somehow upset her, and she would stop talking to me for a few weeks, even a month. She would ask for money for lunch, where I would starve, just so she could eat. But I had to put a stop to that after my mom was asking a question about me never having lunch money to carry me into the next day. She wasn’t happy, and I would at least hope she understood, but she didn’t.

It wasn’t until halfway through the school year, that I finally told her the one thing she always wanted to hear from me. I told her that I loved her.

“It’s about time!” she shouted into the phone.

“Sorry for taking so long,” I said.

“No need, I’m just glad you finally told me,” she stated.

I thought by telling her that, she would ease up a little with her hostility when I said or did something to tick her off. I mean I eased up when she didn’t return my calls or my text messages (back then that wasn’t a big deal). But if I missed one call or missed the deadline of a text she sent. She would shut me out for an extended period of times. This time she upgraded to months, instead of weeks.

This would be a thing with her for the next nine years, yes you read it right the first time. Nine long years, I’ve been trying to be with this girl and I know it sounds pathetic. But let me give you the rundown on how it went. After I graduated from high school, we stopped talking for two years. Until one day she texted me out of the blue. We started talking again, the feelings were coming back, then boom, she would get mad and we stop talking for a whole year. This was a repeated cycle. Even though if she was reading this, she would say that it was a lie. But again, why would I make this up?

But one-year, 2012 to be exact, my mother needed someone who can braid hair good. I knew of two people who can do it well. A former friend that I don’t talk to anymore, and her the girl that I loved. I told my mother about her and she asked if she can come over and do her hair.  Surprisingly, she said she’ll do it, even though we haven’t spoken in about a year at that time. But I was glad she said yeah.

Around this time though things were different. Her attitude, her personality, a lot has changed about her. But the feelings that I once had for her wasn’t quite there anymore. She even made a few comments about it.

“Can you rub my feet, until your mom gets here?” she asked.

“Nope,” I replied.

“See, you don’t love me like you claim you do,” she stated.

“You got that shit right,” I responded back.

“You’re rude,” she said.

“Not rude, just being realistic,” I said.

I mean I was being realistic. I didn’t want those feelings coming back to me ever again. I didn’t want to build myself a fantasy just to watch it come tumbling down in front of me. Shattering what was left of my heart. I couldn’t do it, I didn’t want to do it. But after that usual small talk and my mom walking into the house. I would go upstairs to my room and stayed there until she left. I know I said earlier that I was happy she said yeah, but let’s be honest here. Was I happy after she broke my heart so many times? The answer is just not a no, but a hell no.

My mom would always give me crap about me running upstairs and being rude to her. But I didn’t want to tell her about our history and what she did to me. I knew how she was and I didn’t want to involve her in our childish game. So, I always left the topic open and never wanted to speak about it.

That was until one day she (the girl) asked me a very important question.

“Did you mean what you said?” she asked.

“And that would be?” I asked back.

“That you didn’t love me anymore. After all the things that we been through. You’re love for me never faded away. Why now?” she asked.

It was a good question, a powerful question at that. I sat there on my couch as she sat next to me. Not too far, not too close. But just at the right distant if I wanted to reach over to her. But I sat there and thought about that question.

“I don’t feel that way for you anymore. Because you stop feeling the same way. I remember you telling me. That you use to love me, but not anymore. I asked myself every day, how can one simply stop loving someone? Then the answer came to me. You stop loving someone because you never truly loved them in the first place. But me it was different, long after you said it. I still loved you, I still thought about you every day. Your laugh, your smile, your tears, your face, your eyes, everything. I thought of everything when it came to you. It just sad to see that you never did the same for me.”

She stood there quiet as a mouse and I went back to watching what was on the T.V. Ten minutes would pass until she said another word to me.

“Can we start over?” she asked.

“What?” I questioned.

“Can we start over? We were just kids back then. Maybe it’s time we try something different,” she replied.

I took a minute to think about the question at hand.

“Okay, you want to start over. Fine we will. But for now, we are just friends. Nothing more nothing less. Agreed.”

She agreed with my terms and for the next three years we would hang out and talk every now and again. But there was a time where she would stand me up on the days we have scheduled to hang out and her forgetting about my birthday multiple times. But overall it was good. Around 2015 and three years of being just friends. I thought I asked her out and one day God willing asked her to marry me.

Her birthday was coming up and I wanted to do something special for her that day. At the time she’s been nagging me about some Ice cream place downtown, as well as a movie (which I don’t remember) that she wanted to go see. I pretended that I was ignoring her the past few weeks about it. But I was planning on taking her to those places on her birthday. I was going to take her to her favorite restaurant, then to the movies, and finally Ice cream.

You’re smart right? So, you should know that the whole plan went belly up. After leaving my job early and meeting up with her. She only spent about a good hour and a half with me. Then told me she had to go somewhere else (The sun was still out BTW). Upset wasn’t the correct word for how I was feeling. Once again, I thought she wanted to take things slow and build up from there. But no, I was wrong, and I should’ve never let her back in. But I did, and I have no one to blame but myself.

I watched as she got in her car and drove away. I slowly walked back to mines and got in took the long drive home. Even though it was only a ten-minute drive, it felt like an hour. I would go home and go to my room and lay on my bed. I stared at the ceiling until a tear escaped my eye, I was a fool and I told myself never again. Will I put myself through that much emotional stress. But my thoughts were interrupted by a text message from an unfamiliar person that I haven’t told you about. But this is where our story ends today my friends.

I know this one was long, and I do apologize. But I aim for quality content, not quantity. So, if giving you guys a long post today meant meeting that goal, then so be it. Again, thank you for taking the time out of your day to read my post. Until next time my friends be safe and have a good day.

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To Her:

If by some chance you find yourself on my page and you’re reading this. I’m sorry if I upset you in any way shape or form. But I had to get this off my chest. Let’s be honest with each other. We were never meant to be. You knew that way before I did, and you used me to make yourself feel better. But after everything you did to me. I still care about you. Even though it’ll be a year since we have officially ended our friendship (well you ended it), it has been three years since we saw each other. When you left me in that parking lot looking like a fool I took a lot of time to reflect on myself and learn what kind of person I wanted to become. But you don’t have to worry about that anymore. You can live your life and I can live mines. I heard some great things happen for you. One I told you that would happen to you if you just had faith. I’m still waiting for my great moments though. One day they may come, or not. But like I said you don’t have to worry anymore. But before I go, I would like to thank you for showing me how it felt to be loved, even if it was all fake. It felt real to me. Now I don’t have to know how it feels to be wanted by someone. I’m also sorry for any pain that I may have brought to you throughout our nine years. I promised to do better in life if you promise me to do better. But again, you may never read this. So, goodbye, for this is the last thought I will ever have of you.

– A



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