Well, we’re here now and it’s time I came out with it. No more hiding from it, no more telling people I’m having a great day. I’m not, I don’t even remember the last good day I had. Christmas sucked, New Year’s sucked, hell starting off 2020 just sucks. I have lost the opportunity of a job, I lost two friends (That I chose to cut off, but that’s a story for a different day) and I made the mistake of thinking I finally found someone. But I digress, I told you there was something wrong with me and if you read my Finale to “Finding My Voice.” Then you will already know.
For those that don’t know well I have been dealing with depression for the bitter part of ten years. A long time to keep something a secret from everybody, but I know I’m not alone in this. I know that others have done the same before and will do it long after. As a writer, the hardest thing I ever had to face was myself and my pain. Here I was suppressing my feelings thinking that not everything is a big deal and not everything needs my attention. How dumb was I to think that?
Letting go and releasing my pain I realized how…well, shitty it’s been for me. Parents’ divorce, friends came and went, and my love life was(still) non-existence. I could go on and on, but I rather give it to you all slowly. First, I want to give you a brief overview of what led to depression and inspired me to write about this topic.
Again, referring to my entry on my voice series. I told everyone about how I was labeled for doing the right thing. This started my path to making new friends…or at least I tried. People have told me I was paranoid and need to stop. I’d listen to their complaints and let down my armor (If James Bond taught me anything it’s not to let down your armor). The moment I did though, the moment I felt acceptance and love…it was all a lie. I learned that people didn’t like me for being me. Some say I was loud and obnoxious, where others will say that I’m the nicest guy they met.
Reading that you’re thinking it’s not that big of a deal. Do me a favor read that last paragraph again and read it ten times straight. Am I still making a big deal out of it? If so, well, not sorry. That has been my life for the past ten years. Making and losing friends all because they thought about me as this loser that no wanted around. At least that’s what goes through my mind sometimes.
However, I have made some friends and managed to keep them. How? Well, if you think because I found the right ones. Chances are you’re only half-right, the other half is that I keep to myself. Unless a certain situation is out of my control, then I’ll let them in, but recently I kept to myself.
I feel like a burden, I feel helpless at times and quite frankly I’m tired of it. I’m tired of feeling this way, tired fighting to get out of bed in the morning let alone walk out the door. Tired of everybody telling me it’s not a big deal and it’s going to be alright. Especially when things don’t get better for me.
So, I woke up after my last episode (still going through it now) and decided that I want to fight this thing head-on. Even if I am doing it by myself. I know I’m just an added rank to the fight. So, I created Mental Monday. Where I will be talking to you, the reader, about how it feels living in the mind of someone that is not well. I feel it’s unique in a way, because, as a black man these things aren’t talked about as much as it should be. It’s looked down upon and I think it needs to come to the light. It’s real and it does not discriminate against anyone.
So, for this year and hopefully for the future. I will talk about my mental health and those that deal with it every day. It’s nothing to be ashamed of and we shouldn’t hide it anymore. So, please stop by my blog next week as I talk about a more sensitive topic that might piss a lot of people off, but it needs to be said.
Thank you for coming by and reading my intro into Mental Monday and I hope to see you guys on Writing Wednesday.