Mental Monday (Friday Special): My Mental State #1

The most common thing I’m told about myself is that I’m the nicest, opened-minded, and loving person they have ever met. Yet, I can count on one hand how many friends I consider “reliable.” Now, I’m an understanding person. Yes, people are busy with other things and have problems of their own to deal with; and yes, I’m not the only person in their life. However, it’s difficult to deal and trust people that make promises and don’t go through with them.

I can’t tell you how many times I have invited people to things. Just to hear them say that “Yeah, cool, I’ll be there.” Or “Oh cool, I’ll see you then.” Then when the time finally comes to show up to the said event, then I’m sitting there with the same reliable friends that I knew was coming. But it bothers me from time to time, that no one shows up to these things without good reason. Do, I deserve to know so much about someone’s personal life? No, no I don’t. However, I do deserve a phone call or text message with the simple words of “Hey, can’t make it tonight.” You’re not saying anything concrete about your personal life. You’re just telling a person that you just can’t make due to some unforeseen circumstances. Trust me, it stops you from looking like an ass to the person who invited you.

Here’s a good example of me inviting people one day and the end results. Many years ago (well like eight) my friends (former) all wanted to do something for the weekend and there was nothing that we wanted to do. We were tired of parties, tired of drinking, and money was tight for most of us. My best friend and I thought it would be a good idea to invite everyone to bowl, due to us learning about $1 bowling. I mean that’s a great deal and the shoes were only fifty cents apiece.

So, after we got it all figured out. She invited one half of the group and I invited the other half. In total, we were close to ten people showing up, only four came. Me, my best friend, her brother, and a mutual friend of ours. It depressed me that day, but I didn’t show it. I just played it off like it didn’t bother me, but it did. All I could do was just smile and keep going while bowling terribly and laughing at it. After the night was over we said our goodbyes and went to our respective homes. I’ll eventually go to my room after sitting on the couch for a few minutes and lie down, thinking about the rest of our group and what happened to them.

We came to learn that everyone forgot, even though they were told two days before: and even sending out a text the day of. So, a part of me didn’t believe them, but it didn’t bother my best friend any. She told me she was used to this type of behavior from people, but only did it because I alone, believed that everyone would come. Sometimes I wish she would’ve just been honest about it, but I appreciated her faith in me. As the years went by though the invites came out less because the patterns continued. After a while, we just stuck with the four of us. Until life took over and then we were just three. Me, my best friend, and her brother.

Since this happened so much to me, I decided not to plan big and always think small. People will tell me I should have a party for my birthday. I’ll tell them no, Why? Instead of telling them the truth about people not showing up. I just told them I wasn’t up for it and wanted to do something small, and that’s what I did something small. Sometimes it was nothing at all, or it’ll just be a small dinner and go about my day.

That was until on my 28th birthday and life gave me some new friends, I regained my confidence to do something big, but subtle. I invited ten people to Korean BBQ, which I didn’t know, at the time, was popular. And to make things better all ten showed up. Well, nine the tenth one was three hours late, so…nine out of ten isn’t so bad. I was happy, my confidence was back. I felt good about myself and it made me want to do it again. But that was two years ago and with the situation changing like always. I’m almost worried about this next birthday dinner five months from now. I’m constantly asking myself should I just invite the same people, or should I go a little bigger this time around. After adding it up so far. I’ll have a total of fifteen people and counting, but I fear it may be far less. The only thing I can do is have a little faith in myself and those that invite. And have another great birthday.


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