My Year in Review: Mental State

I’m not going to sugar coat it; this year sucked a lot. People have lost their lives, jobs, and other opportunities due to this virus. I, on the other hand, have lost my faith in humanity. Forcing me to make my circle smaller than what it already was. My trust issues are coming back and I don’t know if I’m ready to bring anyone new into my life. I’m a broken mess and barely hanging on by a thread. What led to all of this? Well, I can give you every single detail but let’s just focus on the crucial points.

It has been two years since I have talked about my depression to friends and families, and it started positive, but soon became mix. A few friends have kept their distance or only made small talk with me avoiding any topic about my mental state altogether, even some of them telling me that I make it hard to be their friend. So, I have decided to do them a favor in no longer discussing my mental health with them and by simply telling them that “I’m fine”. All I asked was for five minutes of their time because I knew and understood that they had their problems to deal with. I knew that I was always available to help them when they needed me, but when it came to me asking for an ear to listen…I guess I was asking for too much.  

I did, however, decided to only talk to those that have asked about my mental state and thought it would be best not to hold back. There has been a few trial and errors, but I have concluded that I can only talk to a handful of people about it. Even when I am starting to think that I’m becoming a burden to them. Despite them telling me that I’m not, I can’t help but think about it. I’m grateful for them either way it goes, and I would continue to lean on them for support for the foreseeable future.

I also thought it would be nice to start getting back in the dating scene again…and yeah, I was better off getting drafted in an unjust war instead. I was unfortunately ghosted by one girl and accused of having a hidden agenda by another. Both have made me withdrawn from social circles and decided that I was just going to go ahead and work on myself for the time being. If the right girl showed up for me that’ll be nice. If not…let’s just say I have grown accustomed to living alone. Even though I don’t have much to give and still struggle to save money to get my place or find a better job. I just concluded that I alone may never be enough for someone and I’m fine with that…or at least I think I am.

Going back to my friends, this year I lost what I thought was a friendship to last throughout the ages, but I had to come to terms that were never the case. This friend has called me a racist and probably has told people I’m a homo/transphobe but I’m not entirely sure on that one. The thing is this person has blocked me and I’m pretty sure they no longer call me their friend. However, the more I think about the past the more I should’ve seen this coming. The way this person acted towards others and how people have warned me like a bat signal lighting up Gotham. I decided to ignore them like an idiot and now I’m paying for my sins. Well, I deserve it if I’m being honest about it and before anyone tells me that it wasn’t, just trust me on this one.

As you can see life this year has been difficult for me and yet I’m still here. My head still high and my ability to smile through the pain still holding on, even by a thread. Even though many positive things have happened to me this year and I’ll be talking more about that next week. Just know even though it was rough for me and I was able to push forward. There are many out there who can’t say the same. Many stories have ended this year whether that was by the pandemic, people morals and human kindness being thrown out the window, or job corporations being greedy and needlessly letting people go. Their voices have been silenced forever and those that have survived need to push on not only for ourselves but for those that are no longer here.

Here’s to making 2021 a better year for all of us.

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